I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You Might Also Like
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.