They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Lmfaoooooo
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.