My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?