A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.