“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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God: youâre really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house đ
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i havenât asked the questionâŚ
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
âBetter stop now before I do something to embarrass myselfâ
~me, never
Hubby is playing âRestaurantâ with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess itâs not going well.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HEREâS SOME ADS FIRST
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Doctors say âinternal bleedingâ like itâs a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.