interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶