Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
#damn
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”