it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
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they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”