the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.