[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”