Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
welp
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.