Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.