“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
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Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
me after drinking all the wine:
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.