Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
SCARY COSTUME
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.