The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Guys, I found it.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same