My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Black Friday “markdowns” like
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.