You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.