[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow