[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
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I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training