I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not