Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Thrilling chase underway
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.