My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Optional boss fight.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo