Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV