Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
road rage
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk