People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Important reminders
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.