Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?