[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Can’t stop laughing
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.