[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Still my favourite meme.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
my mind
You just read my mind
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”