Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
You Might Also Like
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”