When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
#CatsOnTwitter
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀