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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work