“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”