“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Hey I worked for it too!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.