Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I have two kinds of followers
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.