A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys