Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?