Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When you let grandma cat sit
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.