Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fianc茅鈥檚 eyes* yes on dvd
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
馃幎 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 馃幎
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they鈥檒l die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It鈥檚 kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
This week’s mood.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend鈥檚 house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you鈥檙e okMe when I was 10: I鈥檓 off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner鈥檚 at 5
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it鈥檚 the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I like working from base to tip鈥ery slowly鈥aking my time. It鈥檚 really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?