[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Life with a cat in one tweet
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Meow
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.