me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
pep talk
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.