Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
#dalle2
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Saturday
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too