I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
This was a bad idea all around
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
remember
only for emergencies
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory