My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
@funTweeters I am at your service….
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.