[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
You Might Also Like
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited