*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My neck, my back, my…
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.