If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.