Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.