i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Something Saturday.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
That’s classic.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”