Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
You Might Also Like
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.