nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight